The nature of anger

I've been trying to wrap my head around the fact that my mental state, despite the festive holiday season, is pretty solidly angry. I could give you a laundry list of things that have been making my angry, but it would merely exacerbate the condition I'm seeking a cure for.

Ultimately, I know that anger is what sets us apart from people. Its the opposite of love. And if we are living in an angry state, we're letting our emotions win. Though there's something satisfying, albeit temporary, about being angry, and feeling justified, vindicated, and generally self-righteous. None of which I have any right to.

The more satisfying solution, then, should be to pray. But praying in anger seems just like complaining about the problem all over again, expecting divine results, then feeling like your anger must be sanctioned when nothing changes. Least thats what it feels like for me.

The other problem I see with trying to overcome anger with love, is if you're not careful, you taint the love you're trying to extend. It because that self-righteous behavior that is so off-putting, and is frankly kissing cousins to hypocrisy.

Talking about anger isn't the way to abate it. Its like blowing out a campfire. Might dim the flames temporarily, but as soon as you stop blowing, out of breath, the flames are back, bigger than ever. No, the only way to abate anger is through water. Cool, quenching water. See the analogy?

I've been blogging, in some form or another, for over 6 years now. When I started, it centered around doing silly quizzes, and synopsizing my day. It's evolved more to something hopefully more grown up than that.

I'm an internet junkie. I can/will surf for hours at a time just to glean something new and potentially interesting to add to my mental repertoire. This has has made me a bit ADD. Literally, while I wrote this, I remembered something to look up on Wiki and Google, and went to open a window for it.

I'm a fan. I mean, we all are, in some way, I just take mine more seriously than most. We're not talking Star Trek convention serious, but we might be talking Harry Potter wand and Hogwarts house tie serious. Its a hobby, one that consumes a great deal of my time, and one that I wish I could break free from.

I'm a believer. Its hard to explain quite what I mean by that, other than to point to the Apostle's Creed. The specifics of what this means in my life is working itself out through time.

But the most important thing to know is that I am both more and less than you think I am. I'm less than people believe I am, and I'm more than people understand. That sounds very teenage angsty-emo, but its the truth. I used to hate the Walt Whitman quote: Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.). Its a rather true statement of the human condition.

I'm starting this here, as opposed to my other blog homes online (and there are several), because I want to try and start over in expressing my understanding of- well, life, and love, and the pursuit of happiness, if you'll forgive the cliche. I'm writing for an audience of one, not to appease or suit those who may or may not read this. Starting now.