After Midnight

It's 12:30 am, and I can't sleep. Rather, I refuse to for the moment.

You see, I've been catching up on my friends blogs here, away from my other, more central, blogging home. And I've realized something.

I don't really know them at all.

These words we put down, for posterity or for expression, or even just for catharsis, they don't define us. Semantics of language is one thing I'm a stickler for, but its easy enough to know that about me. Just listen to me talk for five minutes.

But does anyone really know how I'll be reading along, and a turn of phrase will captivate me, make me go dreamy-eyed, imagination taking off for parts unknown? Does anyone know the things that can get a reaction like nothing else? The soul-deep feelings, convictions, and desires?



No, I didn't think so. So I'll sit here, 1230 am, and think a bit more about these things that I will be wrestling with for a while. Things that are separate from other people.

But not from God.

And I have to learn to live with the comfort that brings me. However little that may be at 12:30 am. However little I try to understand it. However little my heart's capacity for His truth may be.


Because it all comes down to choice. I cannot advocate for an abdication of social responsibility. You're greater than the sum of your parts your DNA, your habits, your vices, your desires, your wants. You're greater, because HE is greater.

I wish.... no, I PRAY, that He become greater in me. So that my way ceases to be the best way for me. And my choices, whatever they may be, become something I can live with, and not hate myself for.


How can you love anyone else, even God, if you can't love yourself?

I talked with two different friends tonight about how I'm feeling. I've had these mood swings lately, where I go from normal to awful in seconds, usually fueled by bitterness or self-contempt at how my life is, especially in the area of personal relationships.

Its sad, how compartmentalized my life has become. In a way. One friend, non-Christian, but certainly 'spiritual' was encouraging me to take risks, to try and find out if what I wanted lay down the path I'm considering.

The other, one of the most steadfast Defenders of the Faith I know, listened, encouraged me, and gently nudged me into reading the Bible. Which, I admit, to not having cracked in ages.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

SOme food for thought tonight....