I'm a blogger

Most people say they're a writer. I only wish that was so. I'm a blogger. I like to write in these online journals, posting about my life like its something someone cares about, and see what reactions I get to ideas, thoughts, and snippets of 'real writing'.

But sometimes I see people who are both. More writer than blogger, and I envy them a little. Not always the talent, but the honesty. That they can just put that part of themselves out there and believe that not only will people read, but will embrace them and join in the chorus that says 'you speak for me when you say that. its my experience too.'


I'm fat. Not by most people's standards, because I'm not obese, but I have a BMI that is right on that line. And worse than being fat, I'm lazy. I get up, go to work, come home, and sit. I don't eat right, don't exercise beyond what I do at work, and I just... I'm fat.

I'm coming to a point of being tired of it. Not in a resigned to my fate kind of way, but in a "I want desperately to be able to make this change and I'm scared I'll fail" kind of way.

Because I will fail. Not for lack of trying, mind you, but for lack of WILL. Not mine. His.

Its much the same as how I feel about facing this addiction. I'm resting in what He has done, but not doing anything to build on it, to ensure my foundation isn't mine, but His, and that what grows up from it bears the mark of His craftsmanship.

I'm an excellent procrastinator. I say I'll really get things moving once I move. Once I get past this date. This landmark. I live my life in future tense. WILL. Not AM. Two simple words that define the difference between my hopes and my reality.

I live a life of the mind. I am caught alone too often in my own head. I know this. I don't change it as much as would be healthy, for a plethora of what I call 'practical reasons'. But it boils down to fear. As much as I am not enslaved by fear of people knowing about my addictions, I am still a slave to fear that when people get close enough, they'll see something wretched, repulsive, and leave, never to return.

They'll see me for the fat, miserable, solitary thing I am.

Fear is a tie that binds me. Its kept me from understanding love, and joy, and all the good things God's grace has to offer. I don't love myself, can't, I wanted to say, because if I did, I'd have no real choice but to accept that God does love me, won't abandon me in my state, and I would have to move. To step out, trusting in Him for all things. Jehovah Jireh.

I would have to let him connect my head and my heart, and I don't know what's scarier, not feeling a thing, or feeling everything.