Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Step up

Sunday our pastor started a new series, one about Jonah, and about our Mission. Not THE Mission, though that does factor, or should, into everything we do. But Our Mission, the one personal to each and every one of us, that defines us as we go throughout life. Some people are meant to be teachers, some people are meant to be leaders, some to serve, etc.

And some of us aren't entirely sure. It's one thing to say follow your passion, and make that central to your calling. I honestly don't know what I'd say my passion/calling is. Sad, huh? I mean, there's a lot of things I'm interested in, and a lot of things I can do and do well, but I don't know what I'd say my life's goals are.

There's a lot of things I could blame for that. A lot of excuses. Laziness, for one. Every time I think on something to give me direction in life, I back away because it seems too hard, or too big for me. It's not been by choice that I'm still a secretary at my university: It's apathy. EXTREME apathy.

Take last night. I got a call from a friend who's about 5 1/2 months pregnant needing an emergency sitter so she could run to the doctor. And I hesitated in saying yes.

Thinking on it now, I'm appalled at myself, for thinking for even a minute that anything I might have planned to do would be more important than safeguarding the life growing inside her.

God spoke to me in that moment. If you think your mission might just simply be to serve, why aren't you serving?

So I said yes, jumped in the car, and started over, only for her to call back and say it was fine, she'd wait til her husband came home.

But talk about a wake-up call. I've gotten so lazy in terms of how I relate to people, how I value people...

We learned at our church's women's retreat that "to the extent that we love is the extent that we worship." Worship is an outpouring of our love, for whatever we're worshiping. And if I'm being truly honest with myself, I don't worship anything, because I don't love anything. Or, if I'm being brutally honest with myself, I love myself more than anything else, and all my time and attention is going towards things that make me feel good, for however long it lasts.

God wants me to make a covenant with him. One that puts him absolutely first, and me absolutely last. Pray for me that I find the ability to give over to Him, and let the Holy Spirit take control.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Next

Ever notice how much God is a God of completion, but yet it seems like there's always something more to be doing? Sometimes it's the basics of relationship with Him: prayer, bible reading, worshiping. Sometimes its bigger things, like letting Him change you in fundamental ways, addressing sin in your life and bringing you out of something you struggle with. Sometimes its learning to wait on him in big and little things.

But there's always something. A catch, if you will. God demands, no, REQUIRES, our focus.

I read today's My Utmost for His Highest and as usual, it was pretty spot on. Coming off the women's retreat at church, it's easy to be confident in what God has done in you and slip up in the things you didn't think you were shaky in. And man, did this get me: "The Bible characters fell on their strong points, never on their weak ones." How often is that true?


I remember back when I first became a Christian. It was such joy to dwell on God, to think about Him. Mentally playing through worship music, scripture, the ongoing conversation with Him was just so great, that when I slipped and went an HOUR without thinking about God, I was pretty horrified with myself.

 But it grows, doesn't it? That un-focus, the little neglects. Our hearts for God dissipate, and it gets harder and harder to get back to that place of being just delighted in Him. Pretty soon we can go a whole DAY without thinking about God, then a week, month... pretty soon it's just Easter and Christmas, isn't it?

I've slipped, I'll admit it. It is a slippery slope after all, that leads you ever downward towards the things you think you're strong enough to handle. Until one day you see yourself and know you can't handle it. Can't be a casual drinker, or occasional porn viewer, or sometime drug user, or any number of things. We say all things in moderation is key. "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial."

So what do you do when you're at the bottom of the hill and the road you're meant to be on is at the top? When you've stopped moving, lost focus, and are incomplete?

I'm going to find out. I'm going to put forth an effort to THINK Jesus more each day, TALK to Jesus each day, tell Him about everything I've done or am doing, and let HIM decide what's right. Because it won't be my strength to get out of the valley. It won't be me that's strong enough to stop drinking altogether, to stop looking at porn or indulging all the vices I've built up as being okay because it's just a little bit, nothing huge. I know I can't do it. I've tried. I slipped further, because instead of talking to the one who can rescue me, I was talking to myself.

So let's start over, shall we? Hello, my name is Jen, and I'm a failure. I can't save myself. But I'm a failure with a Saviour, and that will lead me to completion.