~The video conference at Zion was absolutely astounding. I've not had many of what you might call direct experiences of God. In the sense that I'm physically and mentally overwhelmed. This was one of them. The speakers were talking about the life of King David, and how he came to a lot of crossroads, his anointing by the Lord (he was anointed as a teen, but didn't become a king until he was in his 30's), how God transformed him even in the midst of his sin with Bathsheba, and about how available grace is to us when we sin. It was some really good teaching.
~The part that hit me the hardest was when Beth Moore was talking about moving past our devastation with God. The example was when David tried to bring the Ark into the city, in 2 Samuel 6: 1-10. He thinks he's doing what God wants him to do, only Uzzah is struck dead when he touches the Ark. He gets angry at God, and I can totally understand that. I didn't understand why God brought me to CA, because I really didn't want to move here. AT ALL. And when I went home at Christmas 2004, and saw and heard how everyone was moving on with their lives and I wasn't, not in the way I thought I would/should be, I broke. Literally.
That January, when I went to a bible study at church, I cried like a baby, and I couldn't explain why. Now I think I know. I was devastated at where God had led me. From having a close circle of friends, strong fellowship, a pastor and church family I adored, true connectivity, to a new place, where I had to start over. I didn't want to start over! I wanted my chicas, and my family, and things to stay the same. And instead of trusting that God had His reasons, I decided to walk away from Him. So Spring 2005 I was living, as they say, "in the world." Got drunk with increasing regularity, hung out in bars trying to get past my own innate shyness and pick up guys, until finally, at a friend's house, I got drunk enough to give his roommate ... well, sexual favors. Let's leave it at that.
That was a wake-up call, let me tell you. I had kept saying as I do all this stuff, "God, if you're there, you'll stop me. You won't let me go to far. You'll send me a sign, or do something so I come back to you. So I know you're real." And honestly? He didn't do anything. Not in the sense that he answered my.... dares, shall we say. God is not to be trifled with. What I thought I needed, Him proving his love, wasn't it at all. I needed a reason to drag my broken self back to church, back to the foot of the cross where, as the song goes, "grace and suffering meet." I've been scrabbling back from that since then, and I think, in my own heart and mind, God hadn't forgiven me for walking away, so my relationship with him was messed up.
In the midst of this I started turning to porn as a way to feel.... something. You know? Something is better than nothing. But the problem with it is you read/watch it often enough, it's like any addiction, you need more of it to feel its effects. And it was consuming my life. I didn't want to be social. I didn't care about seeing and being with other people. I fulfilled obligations to church stuff, but I hated myself, knowing how two-faced I was being.
And eventually I did tell someone. I was praying that God would send someone to ask how I was, and if He did, I'd confess. K. came to me, and we talked a bit, and she tried to keep me accountable. She really did. But she's older, has her own problems (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), and couldn't be there for me as much as I needed her to be. So I drifted. I joined a six month group dedicated to relational struggles (sexuality, porn, etc), and it helped a fair bit, but not as much as I had hoped. I still wasn't letting down the walls on this.
Last spring was when God finally got through to me about it. Not in that He hadn't forgiven me, but that I hadn't truly repented. Which was when I blogged my monster post about it all. The year since I've slipped and slid, and sunk into a depression and apathy that even porn couldn't reach me, not really. Then one day.... I woke up.
~ I realized at this retreat that I'm not where God wants me. But at the same time, I'm not outside his grace, or his mercy. And my thinking I hadn't been forgiven? Hogwash. I got that at the conference, the weekend before. And God's reassurance that I have a second change, not quite a do-over, but an opportunity to resume the race brought new meaning to the words believe, and hope than I'd had before. you know how you can know the meaning of a word, but not really feel the emotion, the connection to what it means for you, personally? I'd believed in Jesus as savior for 8 years, but I hadn't BELIEVED quite like I do now. Same with hope. Hope's not a wishy-washy, "maybe you will, maybe you won't' sort of feeling. It's knowing that whatever happens, there will be good in it. "Expectation of future good." I expect good things from God, because he is the Giver of all that is good in this world.
~ I also realized at the conference that I could be transformed. That God could and would change me in profound and tangible ways if I let down my walls, the hurt I've been clinging to since moving to CA, and let him in. And I finally did it. The word vulnerable has new meaning for me. In the past, I was terrified to admit any of this. It's from my heart of hearts. But it's no less than what God expects of me, and what God deserves. You know what the word glory means? Not just "praise, honor, or distinction extended by common consent; worshipful praise, honor, and thanksgiving." It's making God conspicuous in our lives. That's AWESOME to me, guys. That's a definition I can take hold of. Language is key for me, in connecting my heart and my mind, and these words, glory, hope, believe, they're doing some awesome things in my life.
~At the retreat I also realized something else. I have to chase hard after the things I want. I'm too passive by half. Its what caused my vulnerability to build such walls. I'd expect something from someone, get disappointed, and used it to both affirm my sense of self-worth. Which is ridiculously low. I'd take the fact that I would sit in a roomful of people I know and no one would talk to me as a sign that I didn't matter. But I do. I just have to stop retreating. Which sounds simple enough, but takes some effort on my part, being so introverted.
~This is exciting to me, guys! All this stuff happening in and around me. I have a fresh perspective, and while I'm still me, I'm growing, and moving, and changing. And it doesn't scare me, not even close. The fear that dominated so much of my life for so long is gone. I truly am different now, in ways I'm not entirely sure of, except that God changed me. That I am absolutely confident in.
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